Sounds like a simple question...where is your happiness? My answer is my children. I can honestly that watching them leave and go to their moms, regardless for how long, breaks my heart, but is that my real happiness. If I was to be honest with myself then my happiness is not my children, it's being me..
You see as flawed humans we can search for happiness all over the place, in our children in the opposite sex, in sex itself, in money, in social position, in being a better parent than someone else...
What if everything that you did not need to survive was taken away and all you had was enough food and water to keep you alive, and it was just you, no one to talk to, no children, no cell phone, no internet, just you. Think of Tom Hanks without a volleyball!
Stop and think about that for a moment...some would love the piece and quiet, but for how long? An hour, half a day, a day, then what? Some would be scared to death...because they don't know their happiness. Strip away everything in our life, and I mean everything, what do we have? God's love.
We have a love, an Agape love that is unconditional love, that does not come and go based on how we act,or how we feel..it's there no matter what. That is our happiness, that we are a child of God who loves us and who's plan for us is good. That's not saying we won't have tough times, but those plans are for good.
Think of it in this way...in a pie, god's love is that wonderful pie crust. Most people take it for granted thinking that it's there to hold the pie together, and in truth it is, but how many people comment on how good the crust is versus the filling, or the streusel, or the whipped cream? I have never seen it, but try serving up an pumpkin pie with no crust.
So whats the point besides I really want pie @ 4:00 am. The point is that you have to be happy as you, and only you. Not happy as parent, spouse, coach, friends, etc, etc...you have to be happy with where God has you right now, knowing that his plan for you is good, to take solace in
that and feel good in your core, in every ounce of blood that gets pumped through you. I know I struggle with this on a very consistent basis. All the external things in life could be gone in an instant, your spouse could be gone, your children, your friends. I have seem some amazing outpouring of help and love from friends, and that is a sight to see, but how do you feel when they are not around and it's just you?
Use God's Agape love as your your true happiness, as your pie crust. Find the part of you that makes you happy, the fact that you are loved by a truthful and loving god (how many people can say that they have always been loved by a truthful and loving human...I doubt any of us). As you build your pie crust, add those toppings, add in a spouse, add in children, add in friends. Those pieces contain happiness too, but they are not unconditional, they are from flawed humans just like yourself.
I struggle with this same realization, that my happiness, my reason for breathing each day is my children, and while it sounds good, it's not the reason. The reason is that my God is not done with my on earth, that his Agape love still cradles me. I have to learn that my being alive is my happiness. Yes I love my kids more than anything in this world, but they are not guaranteed, and can I really love them if I don't have my own happiness in perspective first?
You are your own happiness because of the love that God gives you. When you don't feel like there is happiness in your life, look up, look all around you....see whats been created by the same God that loves you. All the beauty in the world from the same God that knew you by name before you were even in the womb, and knows how many hairs are on your head. Love, Agape Love, Unconditional Love...it is there you will find real happiness.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Men, It's time to stand up!
Men, It's time we stood up and became real mean...this does not mean beating our wives or girlfriends, putting down our kids, being total assholes...it means being selfless!
First disclosures: I have spend the better part pf my adult life being a selfish asshole...I know this and I fully admit it. I have made a ton of mistakes and I have to pay for them everyday, and honestly, some of them break my heart everyday.
I see more and more men being less and less involved with their children. Whether it be their own children in a "normal" home with their wife and their kids, or is a separated or blended family, I see men putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children. Guess what...you children see that decision you made to do what you wanted to do instead of being with them, and it kills them.
Remember when I spoke of Agape love that we get from God, thats the same type of love we need to have with our children. Love, unconditional love, never ending love. I am not going to suggest your going to make every sports practice, or every event they are involved in, our lives today, and the amount of things they are involved in can be overwhelming, but whats important to them has to be important to you.
We are not just raising the next group of adults, we are raising the next group of adults that have seen how parents deal with their kids...it could turn out badly if we get it wrong.
My rule is that my life revolves around my kids. My situation is obviously different that most everyone else's, but I try and put my kids first. I might miss a game once and a while, but they know and I try to explain why. I make it very clear in all the relationships in my life, my kids come first, if thats now what your willing to adhere to, then there is no room for you in my life.
Gentlemen, it is time to be a dad, to be the best dad you can be to be the most supportive dad you can be, to be the move loving dad you can be. If your still married to their mother, show her love each and everyday in addition to showing them your unconditional love.
If you a step-dad make sure what ever kids are in the relationship know that they have your unconditional love.
If your a single dad, reassure the kids that they were conceived in love and that you love them no matter what. You are their supporter, their biggest fan, and the place they can come to when life does not go as planned.
Your family comes first, that includes your kids. Don't forget what your kids wee know is how they will treat their kids (your grandkids) later in life. Agape love, unconditional love.
First disclosures: I have spend the better part pf my adult life being a selfish asshole...I know this and I fully admit it. I have made a ton of mistakes and I have to pay for them everyday, and honestly, some of them break my heart everyday.
I see more and more men being less and less involved with their children. Whether it be their own children in a "normal" home with their wife and their kids, or is a separated or blended family, I see men putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children. Guess what...you children see that decision you made to do what you wanted to do instead of being with them, and it kills them.
Remember when I spoke of Agape love that we get from God, thats the same type of love we need to have with our children. Love, unconditional love, never ending love. I am not going to suggest your going to make every sports practice, or every event they are involved in, our lives today, and the amount of things they are involved in can be overwhelming, but whats important to them has to be important to you.
We are not just raising the next group of adults, we are raising the next group of adults that have seen how parents deal with their kids...it could turn out badly if we get it wrong.
My rule is that my life revolves around my kids. My situation is obviously different that most everyone else's, but I try and put my kids first. I might miss a game once and a while, but they know and I try to explain why. I make it very clear in all the relationships in my life, my kids come first, if thats now what your willing to adhere to, then there is no room for you in my life.
Gentlemen, it is time to be a dad, to be the best dad you can be to be the most supportive dad you can be, to be the move loving dad you can be. If your still married to their mother, show her love each and everyday in addition to showing them your unconditional love.
If you a step-dad make sure what ever kids are in the relationship know that they have your unconditional love.
If your a single dad, reassure the kids that they were conceived in love and that you love them no matter what. You are their supporter, their biggest fan, and the place they can come to when life does not go as planned.
Your family comes first, that includes your kids. Don't forget what your kids wee know is how they will treat their kids (your grandkids) later in life. Agape love, unconditional love.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Color blind guy picking out colors to repaint the house...this should be good!
Since I am living in this house full time now, I thought it appropriate to change it from a crash pad to an actual house that looks lived in...so we bring some furniture up from the other house, and now we work on getting the interior painted, granite on the counter tops, and replacing all the appliances (I really really hate black appliances). So the funny part is the color blind guy with absolutely no fashion sense is picking out the colors. All I know is the Johnson County beige is gone! So all around the house there are little patches of different colors to see what I "think" looks good. Honestly all I want its a calming and relaxing place to hangout with the kids. We have turned the formal dining room (who has those anymore?) into a family/hangout room and the living room is for lying on the big couches and watching TV or whatever. It's starting to feel like home for the first time in the almost 4 years that I have owned it.
Treatment # 75 went off without any complications. Blood counts were really low the week before, but bounced back by Monday. 13 days on pills and 1 more infusion and then a short break before Houston. Fatigue seems to be my biggest problem right now. I seem to wake up at 4 am every morning. Really kind of a PIA, but that's OK, I can usually go back to sleep for a few hours.
Picked up my new bike last week, once my Fat Boy is repainted in Voodoo Purple and has the graphics applied, I will have two in the garage. Loving the street glide special and the weather has been wonderful. I have been riding everyday the past week. It's a great bike, way different from the Fat Boy. Would have made my long trip this fall different, but it was but fun on the softail. Got a few more trips planned coming up.
The kids absolutely love riding on the motorcycle. They both want me to take them to school in it. I am leaving them the bikes once I am gone, I hope they enjoy them for years to come.
Emotionally I knew this was going to be a tough time. With the changes in my life and a trip to Houston looming I knew there would be some anxious times. Like I have always said, I just get through them. I don't really on others for my self worth, I don't put on a facade to make everything look like my life is great. For all intents and purposes it is still fractured and I am still hurting, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Think about it, I do have a not job, yet make plenty of money to support myself, I have no one to answer to besides myself (and my mother from time to time), and I get to see my kids almost everyday of the week. Besides this cancer and chemo crap, I really have nothing to complain about. Ok, my hair is getting a bit thinner, but who cares! 28 months after I was supposed to be dead and I'm still kicking. I am truly blessed.
Sorry no profound thoughts tonight, just a long winded update.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Treatment # 75 went off without any complications. Blood counts were really low the week before, but bounced back by Monday. 13 days on pills and 1 more infusion and then a short break before Houston. Fatigue seems to be my biggest problem right now. I seem to wake up at 4 am every morning. Really kind of a PIA, but that's OK, I can usually go back to sleep for a few hours.
Picked up my new bike last week, once my Fat Boy is repainted in Voodoo Purple and has the graphics applied, I will have two in the garage. Loving the street glide special and the weather has been wonderful. I have been riding everyday the past week. It's a great bike, way different from the Fat Boy. Would have made my long trip this fall different, but it was but fun on the softail. Got a few more trips planned coming up.
The kids absolutely love riding on the motorcycle. They both want me to take them to school in it. I am leaving them the bikes once I am gone, I hope they enjoy them for years to come.
Emotionally I knew this was going to be a tough time. With the changes in my life and a trip to Houston looming I knew there would be some anxious times. Like I have always said, I just get through them. I don't really on others for my self worth, I don't put on a facade to make everything look like my life is great. For all intents and purposes it is still fractured and I am still hurting, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Think about it, I do have a not job, yet make plenty of money to support myself, I have no one to answer to besides myself (and my mother from time to time), and I get to see my kids almost everyday of the week. Besides this cancer and chemo crap, I really have nothing to complain about. Ok, my hair is getting a bit thinner, but who cares! 28 months after I was supposed to be dead and I'm still kicking. I am truly blessed.
Sorry no profound thoughts tonight, just a long winded update.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Sunday, November 29, 2015
So this is Christmas...
Well, I find myself in the same position I have been in the past four years...is this my last Christmas with my kids?
I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...
At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future. The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life. Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old. Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade! Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids. I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today. It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!
I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine. Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.
This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get. Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend. This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning. I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me. Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.
Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...
At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future. The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life. Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old. Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade! Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids. I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today. It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!
I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine. Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.
This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get. Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend. This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning. I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me. Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.
Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Monday, November 23, 2015
I've lost count
More chemo tomorrow...I've lost count...either 73 or 74, either way to darn much! Oh well...it's the price to pay for staying on the right side of the dirt!
Gratitude and appreciation has been going through my mind recently, and then had a conversation about it tonight. A lot of things that we do we do not expecting anything in return, which is the right way to go about it, but what if that person shows us gratitude or appreciation, what does that do to us...in my case it makes me want to do more for more people.
We all want to be loved, that is the most basic of fears, to not be loved. If you are like me you understand and believe that God is love, Agape love, never ending love, but what about love from another human. I'm not talking about love in the form of romance, love in the form of "I love you as a person, what can I do for you" with no expectations.
http://www.iamsecond.com/2015/10/what-motorcyclists-can-teach-us-about-one-of-lifes-greatest-lessons/
One of the best things you can do for someone when they love you and are a benefit in your life is show your gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes our pride gets in the way, but just that little effort can turn an ordinary act into something that makes them smile or brightens their day. Maybe it's as easy as saying thank you when someone holds the door, or when someone says hi, ask them how their day is going...your showing your appreciation for them saying something as simple as hi. My friends that's love, that's love for your fellow man, that Agape love.
With all the crap in the world don't we owe that to each other, to love each other as we love our own family, to help those we can help, and to show gratitude and appreciation to those that help us.
So I would challenge you this Thanksgiving week, go beyond and show you gratitude and appreciation to those around you. I bet you will see a lot more smiles!
Happy Thanksgiving!
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Gratitude and appreciation has been going through my mind recently, and then had a conversation about it tonight. A lot of things that we do we do not expecting anything in return, which is the right way to go about it, but what if that person shows us gratitude or appreciation, what does that do to us...in my case it makes me want to do more for more people.
We all want to be loved, that is the most basic of fears, to not be loved. If you are like me you understand and believe that God is love, Agape love, never ending love, but what about love from another human. I'm not talking about love in the form of romance, love in the form of "I love you as a person, what can I do for you" with no expectations.
http://www.iamsecond.com/2015/10/what-motorcyclists-can-teach-us-about-one-of-lifes-greatest-lessons/
One of the best things you can do for someone when they love you and are a benefit in your life is show your gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes our pride gets in the way, but just that little effort can turn an ordinary act into something that makes them smile or brightens their day. Maybe it's as easy as saying thank you when someone holds the door, or when someone says hi, ask them how their day is going...your showing your appreciation for them saying something as simple as hi. My friends that's love, that's love for your fellow man, that Agape love.
With all the crap in the world don't we owe that to each other, to love each other as we love our own family, to help those we can help, and to show gratitude and appreciation to those that help us.
So I would challenge you this Thanksgiving week, go beyond and show you gratitude and appreciation to those around you. I bet you will see a lot more smiles!
Happy Thanksgiving!
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Finish Well
Someone once told me "Finish Well" It was a direct comment to how I finish my life, what legacy do I leave behind. When someone talks to my kids about what kind of man I was what do they say?
It's easy to donate money and have your name on a building or scholarship fund, but what it is that we all have in common...time.
I will fully admit that I did not start well, and until recently I did not utilize the time given to me very effectively. I was selfish, it was my time and I deserved to do with it as I pleased.
Once I started to give freely of my time, that most precious gift, I started to fell the change in my mind and in my spirit...I felt a purpose that I had not felt before, I laughed more, I was happy, content, full of purpose.
Money is fleeting, just as a long list of pro athletes, musicians, and lottery winners. We all have 86400 seconds in a day, no more, no less. It's up to you to figure out how to use them. Are you selfish and choose to use them for yourself, or do you give those precious seconds to you kids, your family, your friends, strangers? It's up to you.
So back to the original statement "Finish Well" I often wonder how people would describe me to my kids after I'm gone. Would it be "he donated a lot of money and has his name on this or that building"? I would rather it be "your father was a man that gave not only of his resources, but of his time, he gave to those that needed it, those who thought they didn't, and those that never know he did"
For me part of finishing well is how I show my kids death. I want them to see that I trust in God that we will cradle me in his arms and that he will say to me "Well done good and faithful servant"
I want to finish well, and I hope you do as well.
It's easy to donate money and have your name on a building or scholarship fund, but what it is that we all have in common...time.
I will fully admit that I did not start well, and until recently I did not utilize the time given to me very effectively. I was selfish, it was my time and I deserved to do with it as I pleased.
Once I started to give freely of my time, that most precious gift, I started to fell the change in my mind and in my spirit...I felt a purpose that I had not felt before, I laughed more, I was happy, content, full of purpose.
Money is fleeting, just as a long list of pro athletes, musicians, and lottery winners. We all have 86400 seconds in a day, no more, no less. It's up to you to figure out how to use them. Are you selfish and choose to use them for yourself, or do you give those precious seconds to you kids, your family, your friends, strangers? It's up to you.
So back to the original statement "Finish Well" I often wonder how people would describe me to my kids after I'm gone. Would it be "he donated a lot of money and has his name on this or that building"? I would rather it be "your father was a man that gave not only of his resources, but of his time, he gave to those that needed it, those who thought they didn't, and those that never know he did"
For me part of finishing well is how I show my kids death. I want them to see that I trust in God that we will cradle me in his arms and that he will say to me "Well done good and faithful servant"
I want to finish well, and I hope you do as well.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
What are you supposed to think...
What are you supposed to think when everyday you drive by the funeral home that you know you will be lying in someday?
What are you supposed to think when you go to mass in the same church that your funeral will be held in?
How are you supposed to react when people tell you that you don't look like your sick, but you know that your body is starting to break down....
How do you face your own impending death?
Is it better to know that your not going to grow old (funny I am jealous of the group of old men sitting having coffee at McDonalds in the mornings), or is it better to not know and just be gone one day. Both have their advantage and disadvantages...but in the end does it really matter? Are we all not dying, taking one more breath that gets us closer to our last?
I have always said I am not a statistic, but the truth is that I am. I could be part of the 1% that lives 5 years or more after diagnosis, or I might not be. Either way I am a statistic.
In the mean time I will do what I have done for 3+ years...go to bed hoping that I wake up the next day. One of these days I won't, and thats ok. Maybe I have touched a few lives along the way, made a few people laugh, maybe not.
The world was here long before me, and will be here long after I am gone...just a grain of sand on a long white beach.
What are you supposed to think when you go to mass in the same church that your funeral will be held in?
How are you supposed to react when people tell you that you don't look like your sick, but you know that your body is starting to break down....
How do you face your own impending death?
Is it better to know that your not going to grow old (funny I am jealous of the group of old men sitting having coffee at McDonalds in the mornings), or is it better to not know and just be gone one day. Both have their advantage and disadvantages...but in the end does it really matter? Are we all not dying, taking one more breath that gets us closer to our last?
I have always said I am not a statistic, but the truth is that I am. I could be part of the 1% that lives 5 years or more after diagnosis, or I might not be. Either way I am a statistic.
In the mean time I will do what I have done for 3+ years...go to bed hoping that I wake up the next day. One of these days I won't, and thats ok. Maybe I have touched a few lives along the way, made a few people laugh, maybe not.
The world was here long before me, and will be here long after I am gone...just a grain of sand on a long white beach.
Monday, October 19, 2015
No time to slow down now!
WOW! What an amazing week with my kids at Disney World. There are so many memories that I hope the have that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Having my little girl on my shoulders watching the fireworks was priceless to me. I also taught her how to swim under water without holding her nose...she has always loved the water, now she is so much more confident. Truly great memories.
One thing that kinda upset me was the high percent of families that were there. A lot of them were stressed out and some were arguing, but it made me a bit sad that my kids don't have both parents that could bring them to a place like that together.
I know that I will never have that feeling of falling in love again, never have that close personal relationship, or that intimacy with someone else, I understand that and can accept that. Why would someone want to invest their time and efforts on a person who is not going to be there in a matter of months or years? I get that and am ok with that.
Busy week ahead...Dr's and lawyers appointments, family pictures, finishing up a project for a friend, some time spent at Anne's school, and maybe, just maybe getting this divorce finalized.
Tuesday starts my off week for chemo so I should feel pretty good for the week.
I was told by a certain someone that I should not take my motorcycle trip, or take my kids to Disney by myself in case I got sick...screw that! I had back up plans for both trips and have been feeling fine with the exception of the day of and the day after my infusions. I refuse to sit in my house, afraid something bad might happen while I wither away and die. I think living as normal of a life as possible had partially kept me alive this long. Now either my diet is pickling my insides, or rushing me to a heart attack faster than cancer call take over my body, either way I am investigating making a big change on that front.
I have decided to get my motorcycle repainted in purple for two reasons...first it is the color of Pancreatic Cancer and as I try and get more involved in fighting this disease I think it is appropriate, and second, it is my daughters favorite color. I'm keeping that motorcycle for her in case she wants it later in her life. Now I just need something to say on it.
I love my life, it may not be everything I wish it was, but it is where I am at and I am happy with that.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
One thing that kinda upset me was the high percent of families that were there. A lot of them were stressed out and some were arguing, but it made me a bit sad that my kids don't have both parents that could bring them to a place like that together.
I know that I will never have that feeling of falling in love again, never have that close personal relationship, or that intimacy with someone else, I understand that and can accept that. Why would someone want to invest their time and efforts on a person who is not going to be there in a matter of months or years? I get that and am ok with that.
Busy week ahead...Dr's and lawyers appointments, family pictures, finishing up a project for a friend, some time spent at Anne's school, and maybe, just maybe getting this divorce finalized.
Tuesday starts my off week for chemo so I should feel pretty good for the week.
I was told by a certain someone that I should not take my motorcycle trip, or take my kids to Disney by myself in case I got sick...screw that! I had back up plans for both trips and have been feeling fine with the exception of the day of and the day after my infusions. I refuse to sit in my house, afraid something bad might happen while I wither away and die. I think living as normal of a life as possible had partially kept me alive this long. Now either my diet is pickling my insides, or rushing me to a heart attack faster than cancer call take over my body, either way I am investigating making a big change on that front.
I have decided to get my motorcycle repainted in purple for two reasons...first it is the color of Pancreatic Cancer and as I try and get more involved in fighting this disease I think it is appropriate, and second, it is my daughters favorite color. I'm keeping that motorcycle for her in case she wants it later in her life. Now I just need something to say on it.
I love my life, it may not be everything I wish it was, but it is where I am at and I am happy with that.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Monday, October 12, 2015
12 hours from now...
12 hours from now, with a little luck I will be seeing my kids faces light up as they are fully immersed into Disney. I can't tell you how much I have wanted this day, how excited I am to see their faces light up and hear the "dad, you gotta see this", or "dad, I'm not sure I want to ride that "(followed by Dad saying, "you don't have a choice, get out of your comfort zone" Most importantly I am selfish and I want those memories, those firsts, to be with me, so that maybe when they have kids and they take them there they might just remember their dad. I know it is going to be great, it is what you make of it, so it's going to be great. Fortunately I have two great kids who understand that although dad looks pretty healthy, 12 hour + days are not possible, so I am sure there will be some pool tine and relaxing time.
The next two weeks are busy, the trip to Disney, come home spend the following week trying to the other house cleaned out and ready to be sold, move some furniture and things back up to KC, family pictures, all finished up by Purple Light on the 25th. There is a whole lot of conflicting emotion in that 14 days.
Through everything in my life I know one thing, that I am blessed. Not because I have more or less than anyone else, not because I am better than someone or they are better than me, I am blessed because I am where God wants me to be. I try and never regret the decisions that I make (ok, maybe a few involving bad hangovers the next day). The decisions that we make in our lives makes us who we are. I can tell you that if I did not get divorced from the kids mom I would have been one of those uninvolved fathers, to busy working. I would like to think I am a much better father because my time with them is so precious, add in another failed marriage and Cancer and I know things are never certain, so I try and be the best dad I can...not doing what they want me to do, but doing the best job I can to raise good kids into good grownups, and maybe one day good parents of their own. Maybe along that journey I get to hear "dad! you have to see this" and "dad, that ride was so cool, can we do it again" Material items will come and go, but the memories and how someone makes you feel last so very much longer.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
The next two weeks are busy, the trip to Disney, come home spend the following week trying to the other house cleaned out and ready to be sold, move some furniture and things back up to KC, family pictures, all finished up by Purple Light on the 25th. There is a whole lot of conflicting emotion in that 14 days.
Through everything in my life I know one thing, that I am blessed. Not because I have more or less than anyone else, not because I am better than someone or they are better than me, I am blessed because I am where God wants me to be. I try and never regret the decisions that I make (ok, maybe a few involving bad hangovers the next day). The decisions that we make in our lives makes us who we are. I can tell you that if I did not get divorced from the kids mom I would have been one of those uninvolved fathers, to busy working. I would like to think I am a much better father because my time with them is so precious, add in another failed marriage and Cancer and I know things are never certain, so I try and be the best dad I can...not doing what they want me to do, but doing the best job I can to raise good kids into good grownups, and maybe one day good parents of their own. Maybe along that journey I get to hear "dad! you have to see this" and "dad, that ride was so cool, can we do it again" Material items will come and go, but the memories and how someone makes you feel last so very much longer.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Zofran...what in the heck are you doing?
Normally I am passed out asleep way before now...at the hospital for blood work at 7:30, Dr at 9, treatment at 9:30, lunch at Blue Koi (Yum!) and then two hours wandering around Lowes to figure out what I need for a project this weekend while Apple fixed my camera on my phone...then I started to feel crappy. Made it to soccer practice and got to see the kids, and then I came home and did not take the Zofran soon enough....I really hate puking!
I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen. The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading. My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago. I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...
I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are. I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives. After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?
But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years. I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.
1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down. Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.
I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years. I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.
I am so excited! The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures). I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened. I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :( Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.
69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations. Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...
So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...
https://youtu.be/8IMn4c4MwM0
I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"
I've been blessed to live this long. I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen. The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading. My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago. I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...
I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are. I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives. After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?
But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years. I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.
1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down. Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.
I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years. I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.
I am so excited! The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures). I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened. I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :( Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.
69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations. Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...
So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...
https://youtu.be/8IMn4c4MwM0
I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"
I've been blessed to live this long. I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
1900 miles in...
I was hoping to do this more on this trip, but between not having a power cord, and trying to save video I have not gotten around to it...so here is the quick update on the trip.
This trip has been great for my mind and soul. I love being on my bike, and I do it mostly by myself, but this kind of adventure really gives you time to think and really try to make sense of where you are (that includes getting lost a time or two)!
This has truly been an adventure, from beautiful overlooks in Arkansas, to riding around in the French Quarter in New Orleans, to riding through flood warnings in Florida, to leaning what a Davenport is and the mystery shot, to have the UBER driver that about killed me, this trip has been everything I have expected and more.
Physically, besides a little sore backside I am doing great. I planned this trip to make the days manageable in case I got tired. There have been days I could have gone longer, but there were natural stops in the trip so it made it nice. I got to see two of my favorite people in Houston. After 5 hours in the chair, I got Anne's tattoo done, a mermaid done just a few blocks from the Gulf. I think she will love it. Had a good time celebrating a friends birthday, but some of the pictures have to stay hidden! Lets just say the dance floor was the island of misfit toys!
Emotionally, wow! There has been a lot on my plate recently, and as most of it will come to an end in the next few weeks, it was great jus to have time to breathe in world around you without going down the road at 80 in a sound proof piece of metal cage. btw: does all of Arkansas smell like catfish bait? One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this trip is to let things go...so you planned on being at the hotel by 5 but your going to get there at 7...thats OK. Change what you can and let the rest fall into place.
The beach in Navarre was beautiful. It was actually really neat to see the storms building off the coast while sitting on the beach. I wanted to stay longer, but will head back down soon, this time on of those flying things.
Forgiveness is hard coming to me right now. I'm trying very hard to extend the grace that has been given to me, but for some reason I am struggling with it. I still feel betrayed and lied to, and that makes it hard to forgive. Does punishing a person, or getting revenge help with finding forgiveness or does it just do the opposite and push you farther away by making you feel as though you have some how settled the score? At the same time should we not hold people accountable for their actions as we have been help accountable for ours?
Maybe I just need another evening on a couch in a bar with a beverage in my hand talking about life with someone that knows me way to well!
Time to go to bed and get some sleep before a long day on the Natchez Trace Parkway in the morning!
This trip has been great for my mind and soul. I love being on my bike, and I do it mostly by myself, but this kind of adventure really gives you time to think and really try to make sense of where you are (that includes getting lost a time or two)!
This has truly been an adventure, from beautiful overlooks in Arkansas, to riding around in the French Quarter in New Orleans, to riding through flood warnings in Florida, to leaning what a Davenport is and the mystery shot, to have the UBER driver that about killed me, this trip has been everything I have expected and more.
Physically, besides a little sore backside I am doing great. I planned this trip to make the days manageable in case I got tired. There have been days I could have gone longer, but there were natural stops in the trip so it made it nice. I got to see two of my favorite people in Houston. After 5 hours in the chair, I got Anne's tattoo done, a mermaid done just a few blocks from the Gulf. I think she will love it. Had a good time celebrating a friends birthday, but some of the pictures have to stay hidden! Lets just say the dance floor was the island of misfit toys!
Emotionally, wow! There has been a lot on my plate recently, and as most of it will come to an end in the next few weeks, it was great jus to have time to breathe in world around you without going down the road at 80 in a sound proof piece of metal cage. btw: does all of Arkansas smell like catfish bait? One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this trip is to let things go...so you planned on being at the hotel by 5 but your going to get there at 7...thats OK. Change what you can and let the rest fall into place.
The beach in Navarre was beautiful. It was actually really neat to see the storms building off the coast while sitting on the beach. I wanted to stay longer, but will head back down soon, this time on of those flying things.
Forgiveness is hard coming to me right now. I'm trying very hard to extend the grace that has been given to me, but for some reason I am struggling with it. I still feel betrayed and lied to, and that makes it hard to forgive. Does punishing a person, or getting revenge help with finding forgiveness or does it just do the opposite and push you farther away by making you feel as though you have some how settled the score? At the same time should we not hold people accountable for their actions as we have been help accountable for ours?
Maybe I just need another evening on a couch in a bar with a beverage in my hand talking about life with someone that knows me way to well!
Time to go to bed and get some sleep before a long day on the Natchez Trace Parkway in the morning!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Don't Say I Can't
I leave this public, honestly because I have nothing to hide. If people want to try and use this against me for their own gain, go right ahead.
I named this blog dontsayicant for a reason. People are really good at tell others they can't achieve things. Why is that? Why are we not encouraging to the people around us and understanding that even though they might fail, as a person who cares about them you and will help pick them up and brush them off?
This season in my life is frustrating...I can feel old stressors coming back...ones that I have not felt for months, and I can feel my attitude change, I can feel how I deal with my kid differently. My own frustration, being pissed off, is taking a toll on my life, on how I am treating the people around me. If someone wants to make choices that are contrary to what I want then that is their decision, and of course we all know that we each have to deal with the consequences of our decisions, I know I do.
So tomorrow I leave on a 12 day, 11 state, 2600 mile trip, just me and squishy!. Part of which is to go to Houston and get scans and tests done, go to Florida to see some old, and some new friends :), and to clear my mind. I know that there is a bunch of crap I am coming back to, but while I am gone none of that matters. I may have failed multiple times as a husband, not been the greatest friend, but I know that I am loved by God, and that I am loved by my children. I can't wait to wake up to gulf coast sunrises, and ride beautiful roads, stopping when I want and admiring what God has made for us. I broke down and bought a selfie stick so I get to be in the pictures too!
Until then it is spending time with my kids, soccer games, movies, and lots of hugs and kisses.
Don't tell me I can't, because I bound to prove you wrong!
I named this blog dontsayicant for a reason. People are really good at tell others they can't achieve things. Why is that? Why are we not encouraging to the people around us and understanding that even though they might fail, as a person who cares about them you and will help pick them up and brush them off?
This season in my life is frustrating...I can feel old stressors coming back...ones that I have not felt for months, and I can feel my attitude change, I can feel how I deal with my kid differently. My own frustration, being pissed off, is taking a toll on my life, on how I am treating the people around me. If someone wants to make choices that are contrary to what I want then that is their decision, and of course we all know that we each have to deal with the consequences of our decisions, I know I do.
So tomorrow I leave on a 12 day, 11 state, 2600 mile trip, just me and squishy!. Part of which is to go to Houston and get scans and tests done, go to Florida to see some old, and some new friends :), and to clear my mind. I know that there is a bunch of crap I am coming back to, but while I am gone none of that matters. I may have failed multiple times as a husband, not been the greatest friend, but I know that I am loved by God, and that I am loved by my children. I can't wait to wake up to gulf coast sunrises, and ride beautiful roads, stopping when I want and admiring what God has made for us. I broke down and bought a selfie stick so I get to be in the pictures too!
Until then it is spending time with my kids, soccer games, movies, and lots of hugs and kisses.
Don't tell me I can't, because I bound to prove you wrong!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Weekends over and I have to go to work tomorrow...oh wait never mind!
I never thought it would be possible to loose track of what day it is...but I do that all the time now. I have to have my assistant keep all my appointments on her phone so that I don't forget where I need to be!
It was a good weekend, a couple of soccer games, a couple of rides, getting more things ready for the trip, and just enjoying living again. Played with the GoPro again. Still working on it before I leave, but got a little in:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbKMw7lTL0
Went to Mass tonight, always good for the head, to realize what has been given up for you even though you never can deserve it. I was having a conversation the other day with someone and I told them I am in this weird place where I question my faith in God, I question if I truly believe that I can hand over my life to him, as scarred as I am, as many mistakes as I have made, that he loves he and accepts me. The reply I got was, "Isn't it nice to know that no matter what how much you question the answer is still the same?"
Today's Gospel reading was Mark 8 : 25-37 which concludes with:
"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the gospel will save it.”
It was a good weekend, a couple of soccer games, a couple of rides, getting more things ready for the trip, and just enjoying living again. Played with the GoPro again. Still working on it before I leave, but got a little in:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbKMw7lTL0
Went to Mass tonight, always good for the head, to realize what has been given up for you even though you never can deserve it. I was having a conversation the other day with someone and I told them I am in this weird place where I question my faith in God, I question if I truly believe that I can hand over my life to him, as scarred as I am, as many mistakes as I have made, that he loves he and accepts me. The reply I got was, "Isn't it nice to know that no matter what how much you question the answer is still the same?"
Today's Gospel reading was Mark 8 : 25-37 which concludes with:
"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the gospel will save it.”
Does that not make you wonder what your cross is? What is it in your life that you have to pick up and basically give to God. We all have our "crosses to bear", but what is it in your life that is holding you back from the life you could have? Is it what people think about you, is it a fear of failure, is it regret, or is it something physical that your dealing with...whatever it is pick up that cross and loose your life by giving it to God, thats the only way you will truly live.
I hope everyone had a good weekend...Have a great day at work! I have a very important appointment tomorrow!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Where I'm supposed to be
Last time I wrote it was about how we see our life when we are young, how perfect it will be, then life happens and we look back on our lives in our 40's, 50's and realize its no where close to how we though it ought to be....but is it?
I never saw myself as being 41 years old, single, married twice, and having a short life expectancy. Maybe this is where God wants me to be, or maybe it is the road I am supposed to go down. I know that I have not always made the best decisions, and I am to blame for that, but if I really ask how I am still living 2+ years after I was supposed to die, then how can I not ask if this is where God wants me, he is after all the giver and taker of life. I believe that I am here because God is not finished with me yet, I am not at a place where I can spend eternity with him. I don't know what the plan is, how much longer I have to live, but I do know this, whatever comes my way I know its for a reason, and that I have to learn from it. It may not be what I want when I want it, but I have to deal with it.
So...GoPro sucks right now in my mind. I order a new GoPro for my trip and the freakin WIFI does not work on it. I get the "send it back to us and when we get it we will send you a new one" I asked if that would happen in a week? Heck no....so I told them I was unhappy with the one that I got and wanted to return it within their 30 day guarantee, then I ordered a new one....it will be here Monday.
Depending on a bunch of things I am going to TRY and upload some videos of my journey during the evenings when I have time. I have no idea what the internet speeds will be so it might be a problem, but I will be in some great areas and hopefully the videos turn out as good as I want them to.
Off to get the kiddo's! Best part of the day!
I never saw myself as being 41 years old, single, married twice, and having a short life expectancy. Maybe this is where God wants me to be, or maybe it is the road I am supposed to go down. I know that I have not always made the best decisions, and I am to blame for that, but if I really ask how I am still living 2+ years after I was supposed to die, then how can I not ask if this is where God wants me, he is after all the giver and taker of life. I believe that I am here because God is not finished with me yet, I am not at a place where I can spend eternity with him. I don't know what the plan is, how much longer I have to live, but I do know this, whatever comes my way I know its for a reason, and that I have to learn from it. It may not be what I want when I want it, but I have to deal with it.
So...GoPro sucks right now in my mind. I order a new GoPro for my trip and the freakin WIFI does not work on it. I get the "send it back to us and when we get it we will send you a new one" I asked if that would happen in a week? Heck no....so I told them I was unhappy with the one that I got and wanted to return it within their 30 day guarantee, then I ordered a new one....it will be here Monday.
Depending on a bunch of things I am going to TRY and upload some videos of my journey during the evenings when I have time. I have no idea what the internet speeds will be so it might be a problem, but I will be in some great areas and hopefully the videos turn out as good as I want them to.
Off to get the kiddo's! Best part of the day!
Saturday, August 22, 2015
I'm back!
I just looked and it had been since Feb 2013 that I had posted anything to my old blog...well it's time to start again.
It's a crazy time in my life, some people know the details, some do not, but this is not the venue to go into the details. If you really want to know just send me an email.
The kids and I spent the evening bowling as a fund raiser for a previous co-worker that also has cancer. I can honestly remember that as soon as I told him I had cancer he sent me a bunch of links like "The last lecture" and much more information. He too has young kids, and we have shared that leaving our kids fatherless is a huge fear.
Besides that I am still doing chemo. Monday will be treatment #66 and to celebrate I am taking my motorcycle down route 66 over the weekend.
Time for bed...more to come!
Laugh, live, love.
It's a crazy time in my life, some people know the details, some do not, but this is not the venue to go into the details. If you really want to know just send me an email.
The kids and I spent the evening bowling as a fund raiser for a previous co-worker that also has cancer. I can honestly remember that as soon as I told him I had cancer he sent me a bunch of links like "The last lecture" and much more information. He too has young kids, and we have shared that leaving our kids fatherless is a huge fear.
Besides that I am still doing chemo. Monday will be treatment #66 and to celebrate I am taking my motorcycle down route 66 over the weekend.
Time for bed...more to come!
Laugh, live, love.
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