Normally I am passed out asleep way before now...at the hospital for blood work at 7:30, Dr at 9, treatment at 9:30, lunch at Blue Koi (Yum!) and then two hours wandering around Lowes to figure out what I need for a project this weekend while Apple fixed my camera on my phone...then I started to feel crappy. Made it to soccer practice and got to see the kids, and then I came home and did not take the Zofran soon enough....I really hate puking!
I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen. The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading. My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago. I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...
I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are. I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives. After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?
But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years. I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.
1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down. Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.
I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years. I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.
I am so excited! The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures). I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened. I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :( Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.
69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations. Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...
So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...
I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"
I've been blessed to live this long. I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.