Sunday, February 21, 2016

Are you scared of Dying?

Am I scared of dying?? a legitimate question that i either I am asked or think of on a deadly basis.

Part of me says says yes...There is a lot of uncertainty after I take my my last breath, more like how do the people around me react, what about my kids, my parents, this amazing woman I have found in Holly, Jennifer and Jenni who have been my friends for going on 2 decades..not to mention all the friends i have met along this journey. A lot of those things are out of my control and maybe thats what scares me.

Other other part og my says no, I'm not scared of dying. I am on month 42 of a life that was supposed to 12 months. i think i am getting my monies worth, but at tine the constant pain and the inability of my body to function at times tells me that the time is rapidly approaching..I still have my wind with my weird sense of humor, but I don't think I am that funny anymore!!

Do there have been plenty of questions about who this new girl in my life is and what she wants...truth is that all she she wanted is time with me. She knows how this ends, know there is no pot of gold at the end, she still signed up. I told her she missed a lot of the easy times, she still signed o. As you may know Pancreatic Cancer is one of the most painful ways to die, she is there through it all. If I need something she will get it and bring it you me. Pretty amazing knowing how this all ends.

So the answer " are you scared of dying", yes I am, but I have the easy job, if it was easy them it would be no big deal

I just hope my kids, my family, my friends know how much I am going to miss them, and how hard I have been fighting to keep going one more daay!

Monday, February 1, 2016

It's Been a Month!

Shut the Front Door!

It's been a whole month since I put anything on here...oh there have beet lots to "put on paper" but never the urgency, not sure there is now, but freakin Ambien let me sleep for 2 hours...crazy!

Tomorrow (actullay Today - Monday)  is biopsy day!  We rare moving from treating the tumor as your normal street walking tumors, to tumors that have those very specific needs.  This should be a pretty easy procedure done as a FNA via EUS.  I get to take a little nappy nappy and then I wake up and it's all over.  I should know answers in a few weeks.

Supposed to have treatment on Tuesday, but a month long fight with a hard to kick sinus infection and chemo on Monday made last week interesting...chills and a fever 101.5 ++  Your oncologist will tell you you need to be in the ER by 100.5 or so...but I am an stubborn they just calling the high powered antibiotics and I popped Tylenol until I broke the fever a couple of times...a few days later with some good drugs, feeling decent enough to go out dancing at Funk ]ytown!

So there have been some questions of who this new girl is, especially when I swore off women back in the summer.  I lost one my best friend of 16 years back in Aug.  Mel was a great man, a great friend, and a great mentor to me.  Me was also 18 years older than me.  I have know Mel since 1999, and by default had known his niece Holly off and on for that long as well.  We talked a little bit at Mel's celebration of life, but again really did not think a bunch about it and went our ways, although we live 2.3 miles part (if you don't cut through the cemetery).  Thanks for Facebook we started talking, more about our memories of Mel and making sure that were doing what we could to support Mel's wife. One thing led to another, and with airlines miles that were going to expire, we spent a few days in cold Florida around New Years.  To make a long story short, we both, as well as many others, believe that Mel has something to do with us bring together.  We both acknowledge our kids come first, and that ends up with a lot of video calls even though we could walk to each others houses.  We laugh like crazy, and just enjoy being together...we both know this does not probably end up well, but she care for me enough to take that risk, and I care enough for her to let myself being open enough.
oh yeah, no freakin drama, not someone looking for a lifestyle, just someone that wants to be with me.  Not sure I could ask for more than that at this point in my life! We both love the Royals so it's a spring training trip and 4 seats for half the season.  I love the summer at the ball park!

The hair is beginning to fall out...bald by next week...better go buy stock in stocking cap companies!

So here is my thought for the night, early morning?  Why do we spend so much time trying to "fit in"?  I love Johnson County and the KC metro for so many reasons, but why it is that it's a race to build a bigger house, have 4x4 Mercedes your never going to take off road..Pottery Barn Kids, Gap Kids? Freakin waste of money in my opinion.  So many people are living pay check to pay check instead of slowing their roll and putting money away.  Besides, what don't you care about what people think of you.  If you Hippie Dippie then go with it, if your uptight and always have to be proper then do that! Figure out what makes you happy, what brings joy to your life and surround yourself with those things.  Whether it be a contagious laugh from the girl holding your hand, to your kids, to chocolate ice cream with chocolate magic shell...find it, do it, love it, be happy!  No drama because I don't have to prop someone else's picture perfect lifestyle, happy because I am always laughing, happy to be able to pick up my kids from school on my bike...that's what make them and me happy!  Treat each other good and the rest falls into place!

  #nevergiveup #neversurrender