Tuesday, October 20, 2015

What are you supposed to think...

What are you supposed to think when everyday you drive by the funeral home that you know you will be lying in someday?

What are you supposed to think when you go to mass in the same church that your funeral will be held in?

How are you supposed to react when people tell you that you don't look like your sick, but you know that your body is starting to break down....

How do you face your own impending death?

Is it better to know that your not going to grow old (funny I am jealous of the group of old men sitting having coffee at McDonalds in the mornings), or is it better to not know and just be gone one day.  Both have their advantage and disadvantages...but in the end does it really matter?  Are we all not dying, taking one more breath that gets us closer to our last?

I have always said I am not a statistic, but the truth is that I am.  I could be part of the 1% that lives 5 years or more after diagnosis, or I might not be. Either way I am a statistic.

In the mean time I will do what I have done for 3+ years...go to bed hoping that I wake up the next day.  One of these days I won't, and thats ok.  Maybe I have touched a few lives along the way, made a few people laugh, maybe not.

The world was here long before me, and will be here long after I am gone...just a grain of sand on a long white beach.

Monday, October 19, 2015

No time to slow down now!

WOW!  What an amazing week with my kids at Disney World.  There are so many memories that I hope the have that will stick with them for the rest of their lives.  Having my little girl on my shoulders watching the fireworks was priceless to me. I also taught her how to swim under water without holding her nose...she has always loved the water, now she is so much more confident.  Truly great memories.

One thing that kinda upset me was the high percent of families that were there.  A lot of them were stressed out and some were arguing, but it made me a bit sad that my kids don't have both parents that could bring them to a place like that together.

I know that I will never have that feeling of falling in love again, never have that close personal relationship, or that intimacy with someone else, I understand that and can accept that.  Why would someone want to invest their time and efforts on a person who is not going to be there in a matter of months or years?  I get that and am ok with that.

Busy week ahead...Dr's and lawyers appointments, family pictures, finishing up a project for a friend, some time spent at Anne's school, and maybe, just maybe getting this divorce finalized.

Tuesday starts my off week for chemo so I should feel pretty good for the week.

I was told by a certain someone that I should not take my motorcycle trip, or take my kids to Disney by myself in case I got sick...screw that!  I had back up plans for both trips and have been feeling fine with the exception of the day of and the day after my infusions.  I refuse to sit in my house, afraid something bad might happen while I wither away and die.  I think living as normal of a life as possible had partially kept me alive this long.  Now either my diet is pickling my insides, or rushing me to a heart attack faster than cancer call take over my body, either way I am investigating making a big change on that front.

I have decided to get my motorcycle repainted in purple for two reasons...first it is the color of Pancreatic Cancer and as I try and get more involved in fighting this disease I think it is appropriate, and second, it is my daughters favorite color.  I'm keeping that motorcycle for her in case she wants it later in her life.  Now I just need something to say on it.

I love my life, it may not be everything I wish it was, but it is where I am at and I am happy with that.

#neversurrender  #nevergiveup

Monday, October 12, 2015

12 hours from now...

12 hours from now, with a little luck I will be seeing my kids faces light up as they are fully immersed into Disney.  I can't tell you how much I have wanted this day, how excited I am to see their faces light up and hear the "dad, you gotta see this", or "dad,  I'm not sure I want to ride that "(followed by Dad saying, "you don't have a choice, get out of your comfort zone"  Most importantly I am selfish and I want those memories, those firsts, to be with me, so that maybe when they have kids and they take them there they might just remember their dad.  I know it is going to be great, it is what you make of it, so it's going to be great.  Fortunately I have two great kids who understand that although dad looks pretty healthy, 12 hour + days are not possible, so I am sure there will be some pool tine and relaxing time.

The next two weeks are busy, the trip to Disney, come home spend the following week trying to the other house cleaned out and ready to be sold, move some furniture and things back up to KC, family pictures, all finished up by Purple Light on the 25th.  There is a whole lot of conflicting emotion in that 14 days.

Through everything in my life I know one thing, that I am blessed. Not because I have more or less than anyone else, not because I am better than someone or they are better than me, I am blessed because I am where God wants me to be. I try and never regret the decisions that I make (ok, maybe a few involving bad hangovers the next day).  The decisions that we make in our lives makes us who we are.  I can tell you that if I did not get divorced from the kids mom I would have been one of those uninvolved fathers, to busy working.  I would like to think I am a much better father because my time with them is so precious, add in another failed marriage and Cancer and I know things are never certain, so I try and be the best dad I can...not doing what they want me to do, but doing the best job I can to raise good kids into good grownups, and maybe one day good parents of their own.  Maybe along that journey I get to hear "dad! you have to see this" and "dad, that ride was so cool, can we do it again" Material items will come and go, but the memories and how someone makes you feel last so very much longer.

#nevergiveup  #neversurrender

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Zofran...what in the heck are you doing?

Normally I am passed out asleep way before now...at the hospital for blood work at 7:30, Dr at 9, treatment at 9:30, lunch at Blue Koi (Yum!) and then two hours wandering around Lowes to figure out what I need for a project this weekend while Apple fixed my camera on my phone...then I started to feel crappy.  Made it to soccer practice and got to see the kids, and then I came home and did not take the Zofran soon enough....I really hate puking!

I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen.  The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading.  My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago.  I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...

I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are.  I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives.  After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?

But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years.  I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.

1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down.  Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.

I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years.  I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.

I am so excited!  The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures).  I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened.  I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :(  Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.

69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations.  Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...

So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...


I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"

I've been blessed to live this long.  I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.

#nevergiveup #neversurrender