Well, I find myself in the same position I have been in the past four years...is this my last Christmas with my kids?
I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...
At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future. The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life. Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old. Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade! Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids. I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today. It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!
I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine. Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.
This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get. Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend. This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning. I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me. Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.
Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.