WOW! What an amazing week with my kids at Disney World. There are so many memories that I hope the have that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Having my little girl on my shoulders watching the fireworks was priceless to me. I also taught her how to swim under water without holding her nose...she has always loved the water, now she is so much more confident. Truly great memories.
One thing that kinda upset me was the high percent of families that were there. A lot of them were stressed out and some were arguing, but it made me a bit sad that my kids don't have both parents that could bring them to a place like that together.
I know that I will never have that feeling of falling in love again, never have that close personal relationship, or that intimacy with someone else, I understand that and can accept that. Why would someone want to invest their time and efforts on a person who is not going to be there in a matter of months or years? I get that and am ok with that.
Busy week ahead...Dr's and lawyers appointments, family pictures, finishing up a project for a friend, some time spent at Anne's school, and maybe, just maybe getting this divorce finalized.
Tuesday starts my off week for chemo so I should feel pretty good for the week.
I was told by a certain someone that I should not take my motorcycle trip, or take my kids to Disney by myself in case I got sick...screw that! I had back up plans for both trips and have been feeling fine with the exception of the day of and the day after my infusions. I refuse to sit in my house, afraid something bad might happen while I wither away and die. I think living as normal of a life as possible had partially kept me alive this long. Now either my diet is pickling my insides, or rushing me to a heart attack faster than cancer call take over my body, either way I am investigating making a big change on that front.
I have decided to get my motorcycle repainted in purple for two reasons...first it is the color of Pancreatic Cancer and as I try and get more involved in fighting this disease I think it is appropriate, and second, it is my daughters favorite color. I'm keeping that motorcycle for her in case she wants it later in her life. Now I just need something to say on it.
I love my life, it may not be everything I wish it was, but it is where I am at and I am happy with that.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Monday, October 19, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
12 hours from now...
12 hours from now, with a little luck I will be seeing my kids faces light up as they are fully immersed into Disney. I can't tell you how much I have wanted this day, how excited I am to see their faces light up and hear the "dad, you gotta see this", or "dad, I'm not sure I want to ride that "(followed by Dad saying, "you don't have a choice, get out of your comfort zone" Most importantly I am selfish and I want those memories, those firsts, to be with me, so that maybe when they have kids and they take them there they might just remember their dad. I know it is going to be great, it is what you make of it, so it's going to be great. Fortunately I have two great kids who understand that although dad looks pretty healthy, 12 hour + days are not possible, so I am sure there will be some pool tine and relaxing time.
The next two weeks are busy, the trip to Disney, come home spend the following week trying to the other house cleaned out and ready to be sold, move some furniture and things back up to KC, family pictures, all finished up by Purple Light on the 25th. There is a whole lot of conflicting emotion in that 14 days.
Through everything in my life I know one thing, that I am blessed. Not because I have more or less than anyone else, not because I am better than someone or they are better than me, I am blessed because I am where God wants me to be. I try and never regret the decisions that I make (ok, maybe a few involving bad hangovers the next day). The decisions that we make in our lives makes us who we are. I can tell you that if I did not get divorced from the kids mom I would have been one of those uninvolved fathers, to busy working. I would like to think I am a much better father because my time with them is so precious, add in another failed marriage and Cancer and I know things are never certain, so I try and be the best dad I can...not doing what they want me to do, but doing the best job I can to raise good kids into good grownups, and maybe one day good parents of their own. Maybe along that journey I get to hear "dad! you have to see this" and "dad, that ride was so cool, can we do it again" Material items will come and go, but the memories and how someone makes you feel last so very much longer.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
The next two weeks are busy, the trip to Disney, come home spend the following week trying to the other house cleaned out and ready to be sold, move some furniture and things back up to KC, family pictures, all finished up by Purple Light on the 25th. There is a whole lot of conflicting emotion in that 14 days.
Through everything in my life I know one thing, that I am blessed. Not because I have more or less than anyone else, not because I am better than someone or they are better than me, I am blessed because I am where God wants me to be. I try and never regret the decisions that I make (ok, maybe a few involving bad hangovers the next day). The decisions that we make in our lives makes us who we are. I can tell you that if I did not get divorced from the kids mom I would have been one of those uninvolved fathers, to busy working. I would like to think I am a much better father because my time with them is so precious, add in another failed marriage and Cancer and I know things are never certain, so I try and be the best dad I can...not doing what they want me to do, but doing the best job I can to raise good kids into good grownups, and maybe one day good parents of their own. Maybe along that journey I get to hear "dad! you have to see this" and "dad, that ride was so cool, can we do it again" Material items will come and go, but the memories and how someone makes you feel last so very much longer.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Zofran...what in the heck are you doing?
Normally I am passed out asleep way before now...at the hospital for blood work at 7:30, Dr at 9, treatment at 9:30, lunch at Blue Koi (Yum!) and then two hours wandering around Lowes to figure out what I need for a project this weekend while Apple fixed my camera on my phone...then I started to feel crappy. Made it to soccer practice and got to see the kids, and then I came home and did not take the Zofran soon enough....I really hate puking!
I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen. The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading. My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago. I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...
I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are. I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives. After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?
But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years. I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.
1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down. Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.
I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years. I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.
I am so excited! The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures). I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened. I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :( Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.
69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations. Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...
So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...
https://youtu.be/8IMn4c4MwM0
I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"
I've been blessed to live this long. I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
I've been worried since last week that I had four lymph nodes in my right arm pit suddenly become swollen. The cancer is in my lymph nodes in my chest, but I was hoping we were keeping it from spreading. My resident medical director (unofficially by formal education, but highly trained in real world) told it was probably just the big tattoo I got on that arm a week ago. I see the Dr. today, he agrees and puts me on antibiotics...hopefully disaster averted...
I have tried so hard to not focus on the outcome, to focus on the here and now, focus on my kids and how I can help others...I can't take any of this stuff with me and my kids will be taken care of, so I want to give of myself, give of my time, give of my resources...maybe I make a small difference in some peoples life, maybe not, but I am going to at least try. I feel like sometimes people are leery of others trying to help them, questioning what my real motives are. I can understand that and can respect that, but I just want to help bring a bit of happiness to others lives. After all, is that not what we are supposed to do, give of ourselves to others?
But about that outcome...just like people are leery of my intentions when I try to help, I am leery of letting people get to close to me because of what I believe will happen..maybe in 6 months, maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years. I guess part of me does not want someone to waste their time and effort getting to know me and building a friendship if that friendship could be short lived. I guess at the end of the day it is up to that person to decide if they want to invest in a friendship with me.
1:00 am and Zofran is still not working. I promised Anne I would be a Watchdog at her school tomorrow, and I'm not letting her down. Looks like its time to go to Defcon 4 and block both ways out so I can get through the day tomorrow.
I got Jacob a phone this weekend, and for the first time he is texting me when he is with his mom..it is so awesome to have those brief conversations with him that have never happened in the past 7 years. I know it is about his age when your parents start to become less cool, and I get that, but I hope he and I communicating more regularly will make dad a bit more cool.
I am so excited! The kids and I are having pictures done in two weeks (heck we are going to Disney World next week and I'm more excited about the pictures). I know people from all over read this, but if your around KC you have to look at http://www.meghannrebecca.com/
I love her work and know she will make the kids look amazing...not so sure what she can do with my ugly mug, but miracles have happened. I guess it's time for another funeral picture too :( Now I just have to find Anne a purple and light blue dress for the session...lets see a dad who is color blind and has no fashion sense...looks like it is google tomorrow night and she gets whatever she picks out.
69 chemo treatments...I never thought I would get to 10 or 20, but after that I had no expectations. Maybe I get to over 100..maybe not...
So someone introduced me to this song last night and I am really conflicted about it...
https://youtu.be/8IMn4c4MwM0
I guess it says it all in "fighting a good fight until the good lord calls you home"
I've been blessed to live this long. I don't know why I am still "on the right side of the dirt" but I know have seen more of my kids lives that I thought I would and for that I am thankful.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
1900 miles in...
I was hoping to do this more on this trip, but between not having a power cord, and trying to save video I have not gotten around to it...so here is the quick update on the trip.
This trip has been great for my mind and soul. I love being on my bike, and I do it mostly by myself, but this kind of adventure really gives you time to think and really try to make sense of where you are (that includes getting lost a time or two)!
This has truly been an adventure, from beautiful overlooks in Arkansas, to riding around in the French Quarter in New Orleans, to riding through flood warnings in Florida, to leaning what a Davenport is and the mystery shot, to have the UBER driver that about killed me, this trip has been everything I have expected and more.
Physically, besides a little sore backside I am doing great. I planned this trip to make the days manageable in case I got tired. There have been days I could have gone longer, but there were natural stops in the trip so it made it nice. I got to see two of my favorite people in Houston. After 5 hours in the chair, I got Anne's tattoo done, a mermaid done just a few blocks from the Gulf. I think she will love it. Had a good time celebrating a friends birthday, but some of the pictures have to stay hidden! Lets just say the dance floor was the island of misfit toys!
Emotionally, wow! There has been a lot on my plate recently, and as most of it will come to an end in the next few weeks, it was great jus to have time to breathe in world around you without going down the road at 80 in a sound proof piece of metal cage. btw: does all of Arkansas smell like catfish bait? One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this trip is to let things go...so you planned on being at the hotel by 5 but your going to get there at 7...thats OK. Change what you can and let the rest fall into place.
The beach in Navarre was beautiful. It was actually really neat to see the storms building off the coast while sitting on the beach. I wanted to stay longer, but will head back down soon, this time on of those flying things.
Forgiveness is hard coming to me right now. I'm trying very hard to extend the grace that has been given to me, but for some reason I am struggling with it. I still feel betrayed and lied to, and that makes it hard to forgive. Does punishing a person, or getting revenge help with finding forgiveness or does it just do the opposite and push you farther away by making you feel as though you have some how settled the score? At the same time should we not hold people accountable for their actions as we have been help accountable for ours?
Maybe I just need another evening on a couch in a bar with a beverage in my hand talking about life with someone that knows me way to well!
Time to go to bed and get some sleep before a long day on the Natchez Trace Parkway in the morning!
This trip has been great for my mind and soul. I love being on my bike, and I do it mostly by myself, but this kind of adventure really gives you time to think and really try to make sense of where you are (that includes getting lost a time or two)!
This has truly been an adventure, from beautiful overlooks in Arkansas, to riding around in the French Quarter in New Orleans, to riding through flood warnings in Florida, to leaning what a Davenport is and the mystery shot, to have the UBER driver that about killed me, this trip has been everything I have expected and more.
Physically, besides a little sore backside I am doing great. I planned this trip to make the days manageable in case I got tired. There have been days I could have gone longer, but there were natural stops in the trip so it made it nice. I got to see two of my favorite people in Houston. After 5 hours in the chair, I got Anne's tattoo done, a mermaid done just a few blocks from the Gulf. I think she will love it. Had a good time celebrating a friends birthday, but some of the pictures have to stay hidden! Lets just say the dance floor was the island of misfit toys!
Emotionally, wow! There has been a lot on my plate recently, and as most of it will come to an end in the next few weeks, it was great jus to have time to breathe in world around you without going down the road at 80 in a sound proof piece of metal cage. btw: does all of Arkansas smell like catfish bait? One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this trip is to let things go...so you planned on being at the hotel by 5 but your going to get there at 7...thats OK. Change what you can and let the rest fall into place.
The beach in Navarre was beautiful. It was actually really neat to see the storms building off the coast while sitting on the beach. I wanted to stay longer, but will head back down soon, this time on of those flying things.
Forgiveness is hard coming to me right now. I'm trying very hard to extend the grace that has been given to me, but for some reason I am struggling with it. I still feel betrayed and lied to, and that makes it hard to forgive. Does punishing a person, or getting revenge help with finding forgiveness or does it just do the opposite and push you farther away by making you feel as though you have some how settled the score? At the same time should we not hold people accountable for their actions as we have been help accountable for ours?
Maybe I just need another evening on a couch in a bar with a beverage in my hand talking about life with someone that knows me way to well!
Time to go to bed and get some sleep before a long day on the Natchez Trace Parkway in the morning!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Don't Say I Can't
I leave this public, honestly because I have nothing to hide. If people want to try and use this against me for their own gain, go right ahead.
I named this blog dontsayicant for a reason. People are really good at tell others they can't achieve things. Why is that? Why are we not encouraging to the people around us and understanding that even though they might fail, as a person who cares about them you and will help pick them up and brush them off?
This season in my life is frustrating...I can feel old stressors coming back...ones that I have not felt for months, and I can feel my attitude change, I can feel how I deal with my kid differently. My own frustration, being pissed off, is taking a toll on my life, on how I am treating the people around me. If someone wants to make choices that are contrary to what I want then that is their decision, and of course we all know that we each have to deal with the consequences of our decisions, I know I do.
So tomorrow I leave on a 12 day, 11 state, 2600 mile trip, just me and squishy!. Part of which is to go to Houston and get scans and tests done, go to Florida to see some old, and some new friends :), and to clear my mind. I know that there is a bunch of crap I am coming back to, but while I am gone none of that matters. I may have failed multiple times as a husband, not been the greatest friend, but I know that I am loved by God, and that I am loved by my children. I can't wait to wake up to gulf coast sunrises, and ride beautiful roads, stopping when I want and admiring what God has made for us. I broke down and bought a selfie stick so I get to be in the pictures too!
Until then it is spending time with my kids, soccer games, movies, and lots of hugs and kisses.
Don't tell me I can't, because I bound to prove you wrong!
I named this blog dontsayicant for a reason. People are really good at tell others they can't achieve things. Why is that? Why are we not encouraging to the people around us and understanding that even though they might fail, as a person who cares about them you and will help pick them up and brush them off?
This season in my life is frustrating...I can feel old stressors coming back...ones that I have not felt for months, and I can feel my attitude change, I can feel how I deal with my kid differently. My own frustration, being pissed off, is taking a toll on my life, on how I am treating the people around me. If someone wants to make choices that are contrary to what I want then that is their decision, and of course we all know that we each have to deal with the consequences of our decisions, I know I do.
So tomorrow I leave on a 12 day, 11 state, 2600 mile trip, just me and squishy!. Part of which is to go to Houston and get scans and tests done, go to Florida to see some old, and some new friends :), and to clear my mind. I know that there is a bunch of crap I am coming back to, but while I am gone none of that matters. I may have failed multiple times as a husband, not been the greatest friend, but I know that I am loved by God, and that I am loved by my children. I can't wait to wake up to gulf coast sunrises, and ride beautiful roads, stopping when I want and admiring what God has made for us. I broke down and bought a selfie stick so I get to be in the pictures too!
Until then it is spending time with my kids, soccer games, movies, and lots of hugs and kisses.
Don't tell me I can't, because I bound to prove you wrong!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Weekends over and I have to go to work tomorrow...oh wait never mind!
I never thought it would be possible to loose track of what day it is...but I do that all the time now. I have to have my assistant keep all my appointments on her phone so that I don't forget where I need to be!
It was a good weekend, a couple of soccer games, a couple of rides, getting more things ready for the trip, and just enjoying living again. Played with the GoPro again. Still working on it before I leave, but got a little in:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbKMw7lTL0
Went to Mass tonight, always good for the head, to realize what has been given up for you even though you never can deserve it. I was having a conversation the other day with someone and I told them I am in this weird place where I question my faith in God, I question if I truly believe that I can hand over my life to him, as scarred as I am, as many mistakes as I have made, that he loves he and accepts me. The reply I got was, "Isn't it nice to know that no matter what how much you question the answer is still the same?"
Today's Gospel reading was Mark 8 : 25-37 which concludes with:
"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the gospel will save it.”
It was a good weekend, a couple of soccer games, a couple of rides, getting more things ready for the trip, and just enjoying living again. Played with the GoPro again. Still working on it before I leave, but got a little in:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbKMw7lTL0
Went to Mass tonight, always good for the head, to realize what has been given up for you even though you never can deserve it. I was having a conversation the other day with someone and I told them I am in this weird place where I question my faith in God, I question if I truly believe that I can hand over my life to him, as scarred as I am, as many mistakes as I have made, that he loves he and accepts me. The reply I got was, "Isn't it nice to know that no matter what how much you question the answer is still the same?"
Today's Gospel reading was Mark 8 : 25-37 which concludes with:
"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the gospel will save it.”
Does that not make you wonder what your cross is? What is it in your life that you have to pick up and basically give to God. We all have our "crosses to bear", but what is it in your life that is holding you back from the life you could have? Is it what people think about you, is it a fear of failure, is it regret, or is it something physical that your dealing with...whatever it is pick up that cross and loose your life by giving it to God, thats the only way you will truly live.
I hope everyone had a good weekend...Have a great day at work! I have a very important appointment tomorrow!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Where I'm supposed to be
Last time I wrote it was about how we see our life when we are young, how perfect it will be, then life happens and we look back on our lives in our 40's, 50's and realize its no where close to how we though it ought to be....but is it?
I never saw myself as being 41 years old, single, married twice, and having a short life expectancy. Maybe this is where God wants me to be, or maybe it is the road I am supposed to go down. I know that I have not always made the best decisions, and I am to blame for that, but if I really ask how I am still living 2+ years after I was supposed to die, then how can I not ask if this is where God wants me, he is after all the giver and taker of life. I believe that I am here because God is not finished with me yet, I am not at a place where I can spend eternity with him. I don't know what the plan is, how much longer I have to live, but I do know this, whatever comes my way I know its for a reason, and that I have to learn from it. It may not be what I want when I want it, but I have to deal with it.
So...GoPro sucks right now in my mind. I order a new GoPro for my trip and the freakin WIFI does not work on it. I get the "send it back to us and when we get it we will send you a new one" I asked if that would happen in a week? Heck no....so I told them I was unhappy with the one that I got and wanted to return it within their 30 day guarantee, then I ordered a new one....it will be here Monday.
Depending on a bunch of things I am going to TRY and upload some videos of my journey during the evenings when I have time. I have no idea what the internet speeds will be so it might be a problem, but I will be in some great areas and hopefully the videos turn out as good as I want them to.
Off to get the kiddo's! Best part of the day!
I never saw myself as being 41 years old, single, married twice, and having a short life expectancy. Maybe this is where God wants me to be, or maybe it is the road I am supposed to go down. I know that I have not always made the best decisions, and I am to blame for that, but if I really ask how I am still living 2+ years after I was supposed to die, then how can I not ask if this is where God wants me, he is after all the giver and taker of life. I believe that I am here because God is not finished with me yet, I am not at a place where I can spend eternity with him. I don't know what the plan is, how much longer I have to live, but I do know this, whatever comes my way I know its for a reason, and that I have to learn from it. It may not be what I want when I want it, but I have to deal with it.
So...GoPro sucks right now in my mind. I order a new GoPro for my trip and the freakin WIFI does not work on it. I get the "send it back to us and when we get it we will send you a new one" I asked if that would happen in a week? Heck no....so I told them I was unhappy with the one that I got and wanted to return it within their 30 day guarantee, then I ordered a new one....it will be here Monday.
Depending on a bunch of things I am going to TRY and upload some videos of my journey during the evenings when I have time. I have no idea what the internet speeds will be so it might be a problem, but I will be in some great areas and hopefully the videos turn out as good as I want them to.
Off to get the kiddo's! Best part of the day!
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