Sounds like a simple question...where is your happiness? My answer is my children. I can honestly that watching them leave and go to their moms, regardless for how long, breaks my heart, but is that my real happiness. If I was to be honest with myself then my happiness is not my children, it's being me..
You see as flawed humans we can search for happiness all over the place, in our children in the opposite sex, in sex itself, in money, in social position, in being a better parent than someone else...
What if everything that you did not need to survive was taken away and all you had was enough food and water to keep you alive, and it was just you, no one to talk to, no children, no cell phone, no internet, just you. Think of Tom Hanks without a volleyball!
Stop and think about that for a moment...some would love the piece and quiet, but for how long? An hour, half a day, a day, then what? Some would be scared to death...because they don't know their happiness. Strip away everything in our life, and I mean everything, what do we have? God's love.
We have a love, an Agape love that is unconditional love, that does not come and go based on how we act,or how we feel..it's there no matter what. That is our happiness, that we are a child of God who loves us and who's plan for us is good. That's not saying we won't have tough times, but those plans are for good.
Think of it in this way...in a pie, god's love is that wonderful pie crust. Most people take it for granted thinking that it's there to hold the pie together, and in truth it is, but how many people comment on how good the crust is versus the filling, or the streusel, or the whipped cream? I have never seen it, but try serving up an pumpkin pie with no crust.
So whats the point besides I really want pie @ 4:00 am. The point is that you have to be happy as you, and only you. Not happy as parent, spouse, coach, friends, etc, etc...you have to be happy with where God has you right now, knowing that his plan for you is good, to take solace in
that and feel good in your core, in every ounce of blood that gets pumped through you. I know I struggle with this on a very consistent basis. All the external things in life could be gone in an instant, your spouse could be gone, your children, your friends. I have seem some amazing outpouring of help and love from friends, and that is a sight to see, but how do you feel when they are not around and it's just you?
Use God's Agape love as your your true happiness, as your pie crust. Find the part of you that makes you happy, the fact that you are loved by a truthful and loving god (how many people can say that they have always been loved by a truthful and loving human...I doubt any of us). As you build your pie crust, add those toppings, add in a spouse, add in children, add in friends. Those pieces contain happiness too, but they are not unconditional, they are from flawed humans just like yourself.
I struggle with this same realization, that my happiness, my reason for breathing each day is my children, and while it sounds good, it's not the reason. The reason is that my God is not done with my on earth, that his Agape love still cradles me. I have to learn that my being alive is my happiness. Yes I love my kids more than anything in this world, but they are not guaranteed, and can I really love them if I don't have my own happiness in perspective first?
You are your own happiness because of the love that God gives you. When you don't feel like there is happiness in your life, look up, look all around you....see whats been created by the same God that loves you. All the beauty in the world from the same God that knew you by name before you were even in the womb, and knows how many hairs are on your head. Love, Agape Love, Unconditional Love...it is there you will find real happiness.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Men, It's time to stand up!
Men, It's time we stood up and became real mean...this does not mean beating our wives or girlfriends, putting down our kids, being total assholes...it means being selfless!
First disclosures: I have spend the better part pf my adult life being a selfish asshole...I know this and I fully admit it. I have made a ton of mistakes and I have to pay for them everyday, and honestly, some of them break my heart everyday.
I see more and more men being less and less involved with their children. Whether it be their own children in a "normal" home with their wife and their kids, or is a separated or blended family, I see men putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children. Guess what...you children see that decision you made to do what you wanted to do instead of being with them, and it kills them.
Remember when I spoke of Agape love that we get from God, thats the same type of love we need to have with our children. Love, unconditional love, never ending love. I am not going to suggest your going to make every sports practice, or every event they are involved in, our lives today, and the amount of things they are involved in can be overwhelming, but whats important to them has to be important to you.
We are not just raising the next group of adults, we are raising the next group of adults that have seen how parents deal with their kids...it could turn out badly if we get it wrong.
My rule is that my life revolves around my kids. My situation is obviously different that most everyone else's, but I try and put my kids first. I might miss a game once and a while, but they know and I try to explain why. I make it very clear in all the relationships in my life, my kids come first, if thats now what your willing to adhere to, then there is no room for you in my life.
Gentlemen, it is time to be a dad, to be the best dad you can be to be the most supportive dad you can be, to be the move loving dad you can be. If your still married to their mother, show her love each and everyday in addition to showing them your unconditional love.
If you a step-dad make sure what ever kids are in the relationship know that they have your unconditional love.
If your a single dad, reassure the kids that they were conceived in love and that you love them no matter what. You are their supporter, their biggest fan, and the place they can come to when life does not go as planned.
Your family comes first, that includes your kids. Don't forget what your kids wee know is how they will treat their kids (your grandkids) later in life. Agape love, unconditional love.
First disclosures: I have spend the better part pf my adult life being a selfish asshole...I know this and I fully admit it. I have made a ton of mistakes and I have to pay for them everyday, and honestly, some of them break my heart everyday.
I see more and more men being less and less involved with their children. Whether it be their own children in a "normal" home with their wife and their kids, or is a separated or blended family, I see men putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children. Guess what...you children see that decision you made to do what you wanted to do instead of being with them, and it kills them.
Remember when I spoke of Agape love that we get from God, thats the same type of love we need to have with our children. Love, unconditional love, never ending love. I am not going to suggest your going to make every sports practice, or every event they are involved in, our lives today, and the amount of things they are involved in can be overwhelming, but whats important to them has to be important to you.
We are not just raising the next group of adults, we are raising the next group of adults that have seen how parents deal with their kids...it could turn out badly if we get it wrong.
My rule is that my life revolves around my kids. My situation is obviously different that most everyone else's, but I try and put my kids first. I might miss a game once and a while, but they know and I try to explain why. I make it very clear in all the relationships in my life, my kids come first, if thats now what your willing to adhere to, then there is no room for you in my life.
Gentlemen, it is time to be a dad, to be the best dad you can be to be the most supportive dad you can be, to be the move loving dad you can be. If your still married to their mother, show her love each and everyday in addition to showing them your unconditional love.
If you a step-dad make sure what ever kids are in the relationship know that they have your unconditional love.
If your a single dad, reassure the kids that they were conceived in love and that you love them no matter what. You are their supporter, their biggest fan, and the place they can come to when life does not go as planned.
Your family comes first, that includes your kids. Don't forget what your kids wee know is how they will treat their kids (your grandkids) later in life. Agape love, unconditional love.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Color blind guy picking out colors to repaint the house...this should be good!
Since I am living in this house full time now, I thought it appropriate to change it from a crash pad to an actual house that looks lived in...so we bring some furniture up from the other house, and now we work on getting the interior painted, granite on the counter tops, and replacing all the appliances (I really really hate black appliances). So the funny part is the color blind guy with absolutely no fashion sense is picking out the colors. All I know is the Johnson County beige is gone! So all around the house there are little patches of different colors to see what I "think" looks good. Honestly all I want its a calming and relaxing place to hangout with the kids. We have turned the formal dining room (who has those anymore?) into a family/hangout room and the living room is for lying on the big couches and watching TV or whatever. It's starting to feel like home for the first time in the almost 4 years that I have owned it.
Treatment # 75 went off without any complications. Blood counts were really low the week before, but bounced back by Monday. 13 days on pills and 1 more infusion and then a short break before Houston. Fatigue seems to be my biggest problem right now. I seem to wake up at 4 am every morning. Really kind of a PIA, but that's OK, I can usually go back to sleep for a few hours.
Picked up my new bike last week, once my Fat Boy is repainted in Voodoo Purple and has the graphics applied, I will have two in the garage. Loving the street glide special and the weather has been wonderful. I have been riding everyday the past week. It's a great bike, way different from the Fat Boy. Would have made my long trip this fall different, but it was but fun on the softail. Got a few more trips planned coming up.
The kids absolutely love riding on the motorcycle. They both want me to take them to school in it. I am leaving them the bikes once I am gone, I hope they enjoy them for years to come.
Emotionally I knew this was going to be a tough time. With the changes in my life and a trip to Houston looming I knew there would be some anxious times. Like I have always said, I just get through them. I don't really on others for my self worth, I don't put on a facade to make everything look like my life is great. For all intents and purposes it is still fractured and I am still hurting, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Think about it, I do have a not job, yet make plenty of money to support myself, I have no one to answer to besides myself (and my mother from time to time), and I get to see my kids almost everyday of the week. Besides this cancer and chemo crap, I really have nothing to complain about. Ok, my hair is getting a bit thinner, but who cares! 28 months after I was supposed to be dead and I'm still kicking. I am truly blessed.
Sorry no profound thoughts tonight, just a long winded update.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Treatment # 75 went off without any complications. Blood counts were really low the week before, but bounced back by Monday. 13 days on pills and 1 more infusion and then a short break before Houston. Fatigue seems to be my biggest problem right now. I seem to wake up at 4 am every morning. Really kind of a PIA, but that's OK, I can usually go back to sleep for a few hours.
Picked up my new bike last week, once my Fat Boy is repainted in Voodoo Purple and has the graphics applied, I will have two in the garage. Loving the street glide special and the weather has been wonderful. I have been riding everyday the past week. It's a great bike, way different from the Fat Boy. Would have made my long trip this fall different, but it was but fun on the softail. Got a few more trips planned coming up.
The kids absolutely love riding on the motorcycle. They both want me to take them to school in it. I am leaving them the bikes once I am gone, I hope they enjoy them for years to come.
Emotionally I knew this was going to be a tough time. With the changes in my life and a trip to Houston looming I knew there would be some anxious times. Like I have always said, I just get through them. I don't really on others for my self worth, I don't put on a facade to make everything look like my life is great. For all intents and purposes it is still fractured and I am still hurting, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Think about it, I do have a not job, yet make plenty of money to support myself, I have no one to answer to besides myself (and my mother from time to time), and I get to see my kids almost everyday of the week. Besides this cancer and chemo crap, I really have nothing to complain about. Ok, my hair is getting a bit thinner, but who cares! 28 months after I was supposed to be dead and I'm still kicking. I am truly blessed.
Sorry no profound thoughts tonight, just a long winded update.
#neversurrender #nevergiveup
Sunday, November 29, 2015
So this is Christmas...
Well, I find myself in the same position I have been in the past four years...is this my last Christmas with my kids?
I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...
At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future. The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life. Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old. Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade! Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids. I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today. It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!
I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine. Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.
This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get. Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend. This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning. I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me. Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.
Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...
At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future. The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life. Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old. Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade! Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids. I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today. It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!
I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine. Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.
This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get. Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend. This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning. I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me. Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.
Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Monday, November 23, 2015
I've lost count
More chemo tomorrow...I've lost count...either 73 or 74, either way to darn much! Oh well...it's the price to pay for staying on the right side of the dirt!
Gratitude and appreciation has been going through my mind recently, and then had a conversation about it tonight. A lot of things that we do we do not expecting anything in return, which is the right way to go about it, but what if that person shows us gratitude or appreciation, what does that do to us...in my case it makes me want to do more for more people.
We all want to be loved, that is the most basic of fears, to not be loved. If you are like me you understand and believe that God is love, Agape love, never ending love, but what about love from another human. I'm not talking about love in the form of romance, love in the form of "I love you as a person, what can I do for you" with no expectations.
http://www.iamsecond.com/2015/10/what-motorcyclists-can-teach-us-about-one-of-lifes-greatest-lessons/
One of the best things you can do for someone when they love you and are a benefit in your life is show your gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes our pride gets in the way, but just that little effort can turn an ordinary act into something that makes them smile or brightens their day. Maybe it's as easy as saying thank you when someone holds the door, or when someone says hi, ask them how their day is going...your showing your appreciation for them saying something as simple as hi. My friends that's love, that's love for your fellow man, that Agape love.
With all the crap in the world don't we owe that to each other, to love each other as we love our own family, to help those we can help, and to show gratitude and appreciation to those that help us.
So I would challenge you this Thanksgiving week, go beyond and show you gratitude and appreciation to those around you. I bet you will see a lot more smiles!
Happy Thanksgiving!
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Gratitude and appreciation has been going through my mind recently, and then had a conversation about it tonight. A lot of things that we do we do not expecting anything in return, which is the right way to go about it, but what if that person shows us gratitude or appreciation, what does that do to us...in my case it makes me want to do more for more people.
We all want to be loved, that is the most basic of fears, to not be loved. If you are like me you understand and believe that God is love, Agape love, never ending love, but what about love from another human. I'm not talking about love in the form of romance, love in the form of "I love you as a person, what can I do for you" with no expectations.
http://www.iamsecond.com/2015/10/what-motorcyclists-can-teach-us-about-one-of-lifes-greatest-lessons/
One of the best things you can do for someone when they love you and are a benefit in your life is show your gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes our pride gets in the way, but just that little effort can turn an ordinary act into something that makes them smile or brightens their day. Maybe it's as easy as saying thank you when someone holds the door, or when someone says hi, ask them how their day is going...your showing your appreciation for them saying something as simple as hi. My friends that's love, that's love for your fellow man, that Agape love.
With all the crap in the world don't we owe that to each other, to love each other as we love our own family, to help those we can help, and to show gratitude and appreciation to those that help us.
So I would challenge you this Thanksgiving week, go beyond and show you gratitude and appreciation to those around you. I bet you will see a lot more smiles!
Happy Thanksgiving!
#nevergiveup #neversurrender
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Finish Well
Someone once told me "Finish Well" It was a direct comment to how I finish my life, what legacy do I leave behind. When someone talks to my kids about what kind of man I was what do they say?
It's easy to donate money and have your name on a building or scholarship fund, but what it is that we all have in common...time.
I will fully admit that I did not start well, and until recently I did not utilize the time given to me very effectively. I was selfish, it was my time and I deserved to do with it as I pleased.
Once I started to give freely of my time, that most precious gift, I started to fell the change in my mind and in my spirit...I felt a purpose that I had not felt before, I laughed more, I was happy, content, full of purpose.
Money is fleeting, just as a long list of pro athletes, musicians, and lottery winners. We all have 86400 seconds in a day, no more, no less. It's up to you to figure out how to use them. Are you selfish and choose to use them for yourself, or do you give those precious seconds to you kids, your family, your friends, strangers? It's up to you.
So back to the original statement "Finish Well" I often wonder how people would describe me to my kids after I'm gone. Would it be "he donated a lot of money and has his name on this or that building"? I would rather it be "your father was a man that gave not only of his resources, but of his time, he gave to those that needed it, those who thought they didn't, and those that never know he did"
For me part of finishing well is how I show my kids death. I want them to see that I trust in God that we will cradle me in his arms and that he will say to me "Well done good and faithful servant"
I want to finish well, and I hope you do as well.
It's easy to donate money and have your name on a building or scholarship fund, but what it is that we all have in common...time.
I will fully admit that I did not start well, and until recently I did not utilize the time given to me very effectively. I was selfish, it was my time and I deserved to do with it as I pleased.
Once I started to give freely of my time, that most precious gift, I started to fell the change in my mind and in my spirit...I felt a purpose that I had not felt before, I laughed more, I was happy, content, full of purpose.
Money is fleeting, just as a long list of pro athletes, musicians, and lottery winners. We all have 86400 seconds in a day, no more, no less. It's up to you to figure out how to use them. Are you selfish and choose to use them for yourself, or do you give those precious seconds to you kids, your family, your friends, strangers? It's up to you.
So back to the original statement "Finish Well" I often wonder how people would describe me to my kids after I'm gone. Would it be "he donated a lot of money and has his name on this or that building"? I would rather it be "your father was a man that gave not only of his resources, but of his time, he gave to those that needed it, those who thought they didn't, and those that never know he did"
For me part of finishing well is how I show my kids death. I want them to see that I trust in God that we will cradle me in his arms and that he will say to me "Well done good and faithful servant"
I want to finish well, and I hope you do as well.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
What are you supposed to think...
What are you supposed to think when everyday you drive by the funeral home that you know you will be lying in someday?
What are you supposed to think when you go to mass in the same church that your funeral will be held in?
How are you supposed to react when people tell you that you don't look like your sick, but you know that your body is starting to break down....
How do you face your own impending death?
Is it better to know that your not going to grow old (funny I am jealous of the group of old men sitting having coffee at McDonalds in the mornings), or is it better to not know and just be gone one day. Both have their advantage and disadvantages...but in the end does it really matter? Are we all not dying, taking one more breath that gets us closer to our last?
I have always said I am not a statistic, but the truth is that I am. I could be part of the 1% that lives 5 years or more after diagnosis, or I might not be. Either way I am a statistic.
In the mean time I will do what I have done for 3+ years...go to bed hoping that I wake up the next day. One of these days I won't, and thats ok. Maybe I have touched a few lives along the way, made a few people laugh, maybe not.
The world was here long before me, and will be here long after I am gone...just a grain of sand on a long white beach.
What are you supposed to think when you go to mass in the same church that your funeral will be held in?
How are you supposed to react when people tell you that you don't look like your sick, but you know that your body is starting to break down....
How do you face your own impending death?
Is it better to know that your not going to grow old (funny I am jealous of the group of old men sitting having coffee at McDonalds in the mornings), or is it better to not know and just be gone one day. Both have their advantage and disadvantages...but in the end does it really matter? Are we all not dying, taking one more breath that gets us closer to our last?
I have always said I am not a statistic, but the truth is that I am. I could be part of the 1% that lives 5 years or more after diagnosis, or I might not be. Either way I am a statistic.
In the mean time I will do what I have done for 3+ years...go to bed hoping that I wake up the next day. One of these days I won't, and thats ok. Maybe I have touched a few lives along the way, made a few people laugh, maybe not.
The world was here long before me, and will be here long after I am gone...just a grain of sand on a long white beach.
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