Are you scared of Dying?

Am I scared of dying?? a legitimate question that i either I am asked or think of on a deadly basis.

Part of me says says yes...There is a lot of uncertainty after I take my my last breath, more like how do the people around me react, what about my kids, my parents, this amazing woman I have found in Holly, Jennifer and Jenni who have been my friends for going on 2 decades..not to mention all the friends i have met along this journey. A lot of those things are out of my control and maybe thats what scares me.

Other other part og my says no, I'm not scared of dying. I am on month 42 of a life that was supposed to 12 months. i think i am getting my monies worth, but at tine the constant pain and the inability of my body to function at times tells me that the time is rapidly approaching..I still have my wind with my weird sense of humor, but I don't think I am that funny anymore!!

Do there have been plenty of questions about who this new girl in my life is and what she wants...truth is that all she she wanted is time with me. She knows how this ends, know there is no pot of gold at the end, she still signed up. I told her she missed a lot of the easy times, she still signed o. As you may know Pancreatic Cancer is one of the most painful ways to die, she is there through it all. If I need something she will get it and bring it you me. Pretty amazing knowing how this all ends.

So the answer " are you scared of dying", yes I am, but I have the easy job, if it was easy them it would be no big deal

I just hope my kids, my family, my friends know how much I am going to miss them, and how hard I have been fighting to keep going one more daay!

It's Been a Month!

Shut the Front Door!

It's been a whole month since I put anything on here...oh there have beet lots to "put on paper" but never the urgency, not sure there is now, but freakin Ambien let me sleep for 2 hours...crazy!

Tomorrow (actullay Today - Monday)  is biopsy day!  We rare moving from treating the tumor as your normal street walking tumors, to tumors that have those very specific needs.  This should be a pretty easy procedure done as a FNA via EUS.  I get to take a little nappy nappy and then I wake up and it's all over.  I should know answers in a few weeks.

Supposed to have treatment on Tuesday, but a month long fight with a hard to kick sinus infection and chemo on Monday made last week interesting...chills and a fever 101.5 ++  Your oncologist will tell you you need to be in the ER by 100.5 or so...but I am an stubborn they just calling the high powered antibiotics and I popped Tylenol until I broke the fever a couple of times...a few days later with some good drugs, feeling decent enough to go out dancing at Funk ]ytown!

So there have been some questions of who this new girl is, especially when I swore off women back in the summer.  I lost one my best friend of 16 years back in Aug.  Mel was a great man, a great friend, and a great mentor to me.  Me was also 18 years older than me.  I have know Mel since 1999, and by default had known his niece Holly off and on for that long as well.  We talked a little bit at Mel's celebration of life, but again really did not think a bunch about it and went our ways, although we live 2.3 miles part (if you don't cut through the cemetery).  Thanks for Facebook we started talking, more about our memories of Mel and making sure that were doing what we could to support Mel's wife. One thing led to another, and with airlines miles that were going to expire, we spent a few days in cold Florida around New Years.  To make a long story short, we both, as well as many others, believe that Mel has something to do with us bring together.  We both acknowledge our kids come first, and that ends up with a lot of video calls even though we could walk to each others houses.  We laugh like crazy, and just enjoy being together...we both know this does not probably end up well, but she care for me enough to take that risk, and I care enough for her to let myself being open enough.
oh yeah, no freakin drama, not someone looking for a lifestyle, just someone that wants to be with me.  Not sure I could ask for more than that at this point in my life! We both love the Royals so it's a spring training trip and 4 seats for half the season.  I love the summer at the ball park!

The hair is beginning to fall out...bald by next week...better go buy stock in stocking cap companies!

So here is my thought for the night, early morning?  Why do we spend so much time trying to "fit in"?  I love Johnson County and the KC metro for so many reasons, but why it is that it's a race to build a bigger house, have 4x4 Mercedes your never going to take off road..Pottery Barn Kids, Gap Kids? Freakin waste of money in my opinion.  So many people are living pay check to pay check instead of slowing their roll and putting money away.  Besides, what don't you care about what people think of you.  If you Hippie Dippie then go with it, if your uptight and always have to be proper then do that! Figure out what makes you happy, what brings joy to your life and surround yourself with those things.  Whether it be a contagious laugh from the girl holding your hand, to your kids, to chocolate ice cream with chocolate magic shell...find it, do it, love it, be happy!  No drama because I don't have to prop someone else's picture perfect lifestyle, happy because I am always laughing, happy to be able to pick up my kids from school on my bike...that's what make them and me happy!  Treat each other good and the rest falls into place!

  #nevergiveup #neversurrender

Where is your happiness?

Sounds like a simple question...where is your happiness?  My answer is my children.  I can honestly that watching them leave and go to their moms, regardless for how long, breaks my heart, but is that my real happiness.  If I was to be honest with myself then my happiness is not my children, it's being me..
You see as flawed humans we can search for happiness all over the place, in our children in the opposite sex, in sex itself, in money, in social position, in being a better parent than someone else...

What if everything that you did not need to survive was taken away and all you had was enough food and water to keep you alive, and it was just you, no one to talk to, no children, no cell phone, no internet, just you. Think of Tom Hanks without a volleyball!

Stop and think about that for a moment...some would love the piece and quiet, but for how long?  An hour, half a day, a day, then what? Some would be scared to death...because they don't know their happiness. Strip away everything in our life, and I mean everything, what do we have?  God's love.

We have a love, an Agape love that is unconditional love, that does not come and go based on how we act,or how we feel..it's there no matter what.  That is our happiness, that we are a child of God who loves us and who's plan for us is good.  That's not saying we won't have tough times, but those plans are for good.

Think of it in this way...in a pie, god's love is that wonderful pie crust.  Most people take it for granted thinking that it's there to hold the pie together, and in truth it is, but how many people comment on how good the crust is versus the filling, or the streusel, or the whipped cream? I have never seen it, but try serving up an pumpkin pie with no crust.

So whats the point besides I really want pie @ 4:00 am.  The point is that you have to be happy as you, and only you.  Not happy as parent, spouse, coach, friends, etc, etc...you have to be happy with where God has you right now, knowing that his plan for you is good, to take solace in
that and feel good in your core, in every ounce of blood that gets pumped through you.  I know I struggle with this on a very consistent  basis.  All the external things in life could be gone in an instant, your spouse could be gone, your children, your friends.  I have seem some amazing outpouring of help and love from friends, and that is a sight to see, but how do you feel when they are not around and it's just you?

Use God's Agape love as your your true happiness, as your pie crust.  Find the part of you that makes you happy, the fact that you are loved by a truthful and loving god (how many people can say that they have always been loved by a truthful and loving human...I doubt any of us).  As you build your pie crust, add those toppings, add in a spouse, add in children, add in friends.  Those pieces contain happiness too, but they are not unconditional, they are from flawed humans just like yourself.

I struggle with this same realization, that my happiness, my reason for breathing each day is my children, and while it sounds good, it's not the reason.  The reason is that my God is not done with my on earth, that his Agape love still cradles me.  I have to learn that my being alive is my happiness.  Yes I love my kids more than anything in this world, but they are not guaranteed, and can I really love them if I don't have my own happiness in perspective first?

You are your own happiness because of the love that God gives you.  When you don't feel like there is happiness in your life, look up, look all around you....see whats been created by the same God that loves you.  All the beauty in the world from the same God that knew you by name before you were even in the womb, and knows how many hairs are on your head.  Love, Agape Love, Unconditional Love...it is there you will find real happiness.

Men, It's time to stand up!

Men, It's time we stood up and became real mean...this does not mean beating our wives or girlfriends, putting down our kids, being total assholes...it means being selfless!

First disclosures:  I have spend the better part pf my adult life being a selfish asshole...I know this and I fully admit it.  I have made a ton of mistakes and I have to pay for them everyday, and honestly, some of them break my heart everyday.

I see more and more men being less and less involved with their children.  Whether it be their own children in a "normal" home with their wife and their kids, or is a separated or blended family, I see men putting their own selfish desires ahead of their children.  Guess what...you children see that decision you made to do what you wanted to do instead of being with them, and it kills them.

Remember when I spoke of Agape love that we get from God, thats the same type of love we need to have with our children.  Love, unconditional love, never ending love. I am not going to suggest your going to make every sports practice, or every event they are involved in, our lives today, and the amount of things they are involved in can be overwhelming, but whats important to them has to be important to you.

We are not just raising the next group of adults, we are raising the next group of adults that have seen how parents deal with their kids...it could turn out badly if we get it wrong.

My rule is that my life revolves around my kids.  My situation is obviously different that most everyone else's, but I try and put my kids first.  I might miss a game once and a while, but they know and I try to explain why.  I make it very clear in all the relationships in my life, my kids come first, if thats now what your willing to adhere to, then there is no room for you in my life.

Gentlemen, it is time to be a dad, to be the best dad you can be to be the most supportive dad you can be, to be the move loving dad you can be.  If your still married to their mother, show her love each and everyday in addition to showing them your unconditional love.

If you a step-dad make sure what ever kids are in the relationship know that they have your unconditional love.

If your a single dad, reassure the kids that they were conceived in love and that you love them no matter what.  You are their supporter, their biggest fan, and the place they can come to when life does not go as planned.

Your family comes first, that includes your kids.  Don't forget what your kids wee know is how they will treat their kids (your grandkids) later in life.  Agape love, unconditional love.

Color blind guy picking out colors to repaint the house...this should be good!

Since I am living in this house full time now, I thought it appropriate to change it from a crash pad to an actual house that looks lived in...so we bring some furniture up from the other house, and now we work on getting the interior painted, granite on the counter tops, and replacing all the appliances (I really really hate black appliances).  So the funny part is the color blind guy with absolutely no fashion sense is picking out the colors.  All I know is the Johnson County beige is gone! So all around the house there are little patches of different colors to see what I "think" looks good.  Honestly all I want its a calming and relaxing place to hangout with the kids.  We have turned the formal dining room (who has those anymore?) into a family/hangout room and the living room is for lying on the big couches and watching TV or whatever.  It's starting to feel like home for the first time in the almost 4 years that I have owned it.

Treatment # 75 went off without any complications.  Blood counts were really low the week before, but bounced back by Monday.  13 days on pills and 1 more infusion and then a short break before Houston. Fatigue seems to be my biggest problem right now.  I seem to wake up at 4 am every morning.  Really kind  of a PIA, but that's OK, I can usually go back to sleep for a few hours.

Picked up my new bike last week, once my Fat Boy is repainted in Voodoo Purple and has the graphics applied, I will have two in the garage.  Loving the street glide special and the weather has been wonderful.  I have been riding everyday the past week.  It's a great bike, way different from the Fat Boy.  Would have made my long trip this fall different, but it was but fun on the softail.  Got a few more trips planned coming up.

The kids absolutely love riding on the motorcycle.  They both want me to take them to school in it.  I am leaving them the bikes once I am gone, I hope they enjoy them for years to come.

Emotionally I knew this was going to be a tough time.  With the changes in my life and a trip to Houston looming I knew there would be some anxious times.  Like I have always said, I just get through them.  I don't really on others for my self worth, I don't put on a facade to make everything look like my life is great.  For all intents and purposes it is still fractured and I am still hurting, but I am the happiest I have been in years. Think about it, I do have a not job, yet make plenty of money to support myself, I have no one to answer to besides myself (and my mother from time to time), and I get to see my kids almost everyday of the week.  Besides this cancer and chemo crap, I really have nothing to complain about.  Ok, my hair is getting a bit thinner, but who cares!  28 months after I was supposed to be dead and I'm still kicking. I am truly blessed.

Sorry no profound thoughts tonight, just a long winded update.

#neversurrender  #nevergiveup

So this is Christmas...

Well, I find myself in the same position I have been in the past four years...is this my last Christmas with my kids?

 I have the same question from everything as insignificant to if I will get to use the boat next summer, do I get to see my children's birthdays, school events, etc, etc, etc...

At the end of the day, I have no say or control in those questions..and that is hard to accept as someone that has always wanted to be in control, to plan out the future.  The interesting thing is that I have given up control of things like that and I focus on today, focus on the people in my life, focus on enjoying the things I can enjoy in my life.  Seeing things in a different way than when my life was was going to consist of growing old.  Want to know whats interesting...this is the happiest I have been in a decade!  Virtually no stress, doing what I feel like doing, spending time with my kids.  I spent at least an hour wrestling on the floor with them today.  It wore me out, bur we were all laughing and I loved it!

I used to judge my happiness by the happiness I could provide others...I am not responsible for others happiness, only mine.  Of course there are things that I wish I could experience again, but not experiencing those things does not make my life any less valuable or meaningful, just different that what I had planned.

This is an off week for chemo so it should be as normal as I get.  Got a pretty busy week planned and a project to work on next weekend.  This is a project that I know will make a couple boys so excited on Christmas morning.  I would give anything to see the look on their faces...that's what is important to me.  Making someone smile, make someones day, being a friend that someone knows that they are safe around.

Is this my last Christmas? At the end of the day it does not matter. The date on calendar does not matter, having an impact on peoples lives is the purpose of each and every ones of our lives.

#nevergiveup  #neversurrender

I've lost count

More chemo tomorrow...I've lost count...either 73 or 74, either way to darn much! Oh well...it's the price to pay for staying on the right side of the dirt!

Gratitude and appreciation has been going through my mind recently, and then had a conversation about it tonight.  A lot of things that we do we do not expecting anything in return, which is the right way to go about it, but what if that person shows us gratitude or appreciation, what does that do to us...in my case it makes me want to do more for more people.

We all want to be loved, that is the most basic of fears, to not be loved.  If you are like me you understand and believe that God is love, Agape love, never ending love, but what about love from another human.  I'm not talking about love in the form of romance, love in the form of "I love you as a person, what can I do for you" with no expectations.

http://www.iamsecond.com/2015/10/what-motorcyclists-can-teach-us-about-one-of-lifes-greatest-lessons/

One of the best things you can do for someone when they love you and are a benefit in your life is show your gratitude and appreciation.  Sometimes our pride gets in the way, but just that little effort can turn an ordinary act into something that makes them smile or brightens their day.  Maybe it's as easy as saying thank you when someone holds the door, or when someone says hi, ask them how their day is going...your showing your appreciation for them saying something as simple as hi.  My friends that's love, that's love for your fellow man, that Agape love.

With all the crap in the world don't we owe that to each other, to love each other as we love our own family, to help those we can help, and to show gratitude and appreciation to those that help us.

So I would challenge you this Thanksgiving week, go beyond and show you gratitude and appreciation to those around you.  I bet you will see a lot more smiles!

Happy Thanksgiving!

#nevergiveup  #neversurrender